How Do I stop Blushing? Why Trying to Stop Can Make it Worse.
Picture the scene: you are in a meeting at work with around 20 colleagues. You already feel uncomfortable and alert because meetings aren’t really your thing.
Suddenly, your manager says:
“It has come to my attention that someone has been taking other people’s food from the fridge—and it needs to stop.”
You are not the culprit, but immediately you think: Please don’t go red. Please don’t go red. Everyone will think it was me.
Bang on cue, your face begins to heat up. Within seconds, you can feel yourself turning crimson.
Now they’ll definitely think it was me.
So you cough loudly, hoping everyone will assume that the coughing—not guilt—is making your face turn red.
But now everyone is looking at you with a mixture of sympathy, concern and perhaps even suspicion.
Your face heats up even more.
If this sounds familiar, you’ll know that the harder you try not to blush, the more likely blushing seems to become.
What If Blushing Isn’t Really the Problem?
People experiencing social anxiety often focus intensely on something about themselves that they believe other people will notice and judge negatively. For one person, this might be blushing. For another, it could be a shaky voice, sweating, trembling or even their regional accent.
This can be extremely distressing. For some people, the fear of being judged holds them back from forming relationships, seeking promotion at work or making new friends. Social anxiety can be a very lonely place.
The lengths to which people have gone to prevent blushing demonstrate just how distressing it can become. One treatment, known as endoscopic thoracic sympathectomy (ETS), involves cutting, burning or clamping parts of the sympathetic nerve chain involved in blushing.
Although ETS can reduce facial blushing, it is a significant and generally irreversible surgical procedure. Possible adverse effects include excessive sweating elsewhere on the body, reduced facial sweating and other potentially serious complications. It is therefore usually considered only in carefully selected cases after less invasive treatments have been explored.
This illustrates just how powerfully people can come to view blushing as something that must be eliminated. However, even if the physical response changes, surgery does not necessarily address the underlying belief: If people notice this, they will think there is something wrong with me.
How Trying to Hide Anxiety Can Draw Attention to It
Attempts to conceal the signs of anxiety can sometimes have the opposite effect.
Someone who believes their voice is shaking might speak very quietly or rush through their sentences. Other people then struggle to hear them and repeatedly ask, “Sorry?” or “Could you say that again?” This directs even more attention towards the person.
Someone who worries that their voice sounds boring might avoid speaking altogether. Unfortunately, other people may then mistakenly assume that they are aloof, uninterested or do not want to join in.
Interestingly, people often believe that their particular “tell” is the real problem.
Someone who blushes might say, “I wish I only had a shaky voice.” Someone worried about their voice might say, “I wish I only blushed.”
This highlights an important point: the main problem is not necessarily the visible sign of anxiety. It is the meaning attached to it—usually something along the lines of:
People will think I’m strange, weak or incompetent because of this.
So, Do I Just Stop Trying to Hide It?
In principle, yes—but that does not mean you must suddenly feel comfortable about blushing or force yourself to embrace it.
The longer-term aim is to reach a position of acceptance: I blush sometimes. So what? It is a small part of who I am, and it does not say anything important about me.
For some people, arriving at this conclusion brings enormous relief. However, if blushing or another sign of anxiety has become associated with shame, simply deciding not to care is a very big ask.
Social anxiety can develop following experiences such as bullying, repeated ridicule or being made to feel conspicuous during childhood. It may also be influenced by what we observe in our parents, our natural temperament or a combination of several factors. Sometimes there is no obvious cause at all.
A more realistic starting point is to widen your attention beyond the blushing, shaky voice or whatever else you feel self-conscious about. What is the other person actually saying? What is happening in the room? What do you want to contribute to the conversation?
The physical symptom may be uncomfortable, but much of the suffering comes from monitoring it, trying to conceal it and attaching a threatening meaning to it:
If people notice, they will think I’m strange, weak or incompetent.
The aim is not to guarantee that you will never blush. It is to gradually discover that blushing does not have to control what you do—and that other people are usually far less interested in it than you imagine.
Russell Wharton is a BABCP accredited CBT Therapist and Supervisor, an EMDR Europe approved Consultant and an RMN.